In this episode, Claudia Solares and I dug into Priya Parker’s book “The Art of Gathering“.
You can find Claudia on Instagram here.
You can listen to the episode here:
Full Transcript:
Mickey Mellen (00:02)
Because so much gathering advice comes from experts in food and decor rather than from facilitators, that advice almost invariably focuses on preparing things instead of preparing people. That was just a quick bit from Priya Parker’s book, The Art of Gathering, and here to chat about it today is Claudia Solares. So Claudia, thanks for joining me.
Claudia Solares (00:21)
Thank you for having me. I’m very excited about having this conversation.
Mickey Mellen (00:23)
Yeah, this will be great. We talked about it a little bit at a meetup a few weeks ago and I know you love this book, but why do you love this book? Why is this one that you want to talk about?
Claudia Solares (00:32)
I am very passionate about gatherings. I think I grew up gathering a lot with my family, but not only as in gathering with people that we like as friends and family, but also I like doing conferences, the meetups that you do. just thought that was great. And I also host tea parties for women in my home like once a month. I am very big on gatherings, but I’m also very…
I can get bored very easily, so I appreciate when gatherings and meetings have intentionality, purpose, and like these little things. And so I saw somewhere in social media, someone recommended this book and I was like, you know what, I really want to take my gatherings to the next level. So I read it like two months ago and I just thought it was fantastic. It has helped me to make my gatherings even more special than they have been and people have actually complimented me on this and it really does make the difference. So that’s why.
Mickey Mellen (00:57)
Yeah
Awesome.
Very cool, yeah. Purpose was a big part of this book. said, a couple quotes I pulled on purpose was one that says, having a purpose simply means knowing why you’re gathering and doing your participants the honor of being convened for a reason. In another way they put it, they said, chill is selfishness disguised as kindness. If you’re like, let’s just not have a purpose, let’s hang out. You’re trying to be kind, but you’re really just kind of, yeah, being selfish because you don’t want to take the time to establish a purpose, which is important for sure.
Claudia Solares (01:39)
Yes.
Yeah, that’s a point actually that I wrote down about being chill because I think that I would do that a ton of just like, let’s see how it goes and just kind of improvise as we go. But I started realizing how the energy kind of drifted or the conversation would go sideways. I had one of my tea parties. There were a lot of moms that came and because I did, I wasn’t intentional with how the conversation went. All the moms were just talking about being a mom for almost the entire time. And there were women that didn’t have
Mickey Mellen (02:02)
Mm-hmm.
Claudia Solares (02:17)
So it was kind of like I don’t resonate with that and it’s fine like I love when people share about their kids But it turned more into like let’s just share about our motherhood journey So that was one of the things that like ⁓ and so now I have intentional questions and whenever someone like takes over the spotlight for too long I’m intentional like okay, let’s go back ⁓
Mickey Mellen (02:18)
gotcha.
Yep, it talks
about how to get it to be a good host. You need not let people take the spotlight because yeah, that’s very important I think one interesting thing for the two of us is that last meetup we were at I had just read this book and then I made a critical mistake That the book is very clear about that. I thought we’d talk and you called me out on it correctly ⁓ So what it says in the book here already, it’s a fairly long quote, but it’s it’s super important I love it. It says every gathering to be sure has logistical demands people need to know where the bathroom is people need to know where lunch can be found there are often last-minute changes to announce
Claudia Solares (02:52)
You
Mickey Mellen (03:05)
but people do not need to know this information at the very first moment of your gathering. It’s not that you don’t need time for logistics and like, just don’t start with them, open cold. And that last meetup is, hey, welcome, I’m glad you’re all here. Let’s start with some housekeeping. And that’s not the way you’re supposed to start an event. So how do you see an event like that meetup? Like how should I have started that to then lead into the housekeeping? Because like I said, it is important, but you don’t start with it.
Claudia Solares (03:27)
Yeah, and I just thought that was so funny that you said that you read the book and that you thought about that because I honestly thought that the meetup was so well organized and planned. I was like, ⁓ if only they could do this. Like, maybe he likes reading. And it was just so cool that you actually read the book and actually highlighted one of the
quotes in that same chapter. However, vitally may seem to start with this housekeeping, you are missing an opportunity to see your gatherings purpose into the minds of your guests. So to answer your questions, your question about that is that I would start it with the purpose because we talked about, ⁓ my gosh, I don’t have the word in the top of my head.
Mickey Mellen (03:55)
Yes.
Burnout? Yeah.
Claudia Solares (04:07)
Burn. Burnout, there we go, thank
you. So we talked about burnout. So instead of starting with housekeeping, you could have started with, well, this time we, or even like how you started doing the meetups. like if people, if you’ve been coming here for a long time, you know how important this has been for us to connect as marketing professionals. And today we decided to talk about burnout because it’s something that is so common in our society and just kind of like.
Mickey Mellen (04:26)
Mm-hmm.
Claudia Solares (04:35)
Yes, like highlight the purpose of why are you doing this gathering or this meeting and what is the specific purpose of the one that you were holding that day. And then like you can mention housekeeping and such, but just kind of like that momentum of everyone waiting and being like, oh, what is he going to say? So you don’t miss that.
Mickey Mellen (04:54)
Gotcha. All right, so here’s a different kind of one. I’m gonna sort of quiz you on the book and how to do this. So I have an event I’m hosting tonight that you may be coming to. It’s at Topgolf. So people who are arriving at different times. It’s like the meetup, I wait till everyone’s there and then I come up front and talk and I know everyone’s there. With Topgolf, people arrive in kind of a 20 minute window at different times. There’s not a moment of beginning. There’s lots of intros and just saying hi and catching up. So how do you handle it that way with the housekeeping? Do you wait till everyone arrives and then kind of take a minute and pause and welcome everyone and do that? Or how would you handle that in an event where
It kind of starts not at a specific time, it kind of starts in a window of time.
Claudia Solares (05:28)
I love that. think there are so many creative ways that you can do that because she talks in her book about like your gathering starts not when you say welcome, but even not when people start arriving, but when they hear about the invitation. So they’re kind of like setting the expectation. What I like to do for my tea party is because I started them at 10 a.m. and they start coming like between at 10 and 1030 ish, the ones that come the latest. And so I even have sometimes that kind of activity. And this is like a more
The one that we’re talking about for tonight is a more casual kind of relaxed type of vibe. The ones I do are a little more plain and organized. But whenever there’s something more casual, I like to even just have little cards with questions. And so you can pair people up or introduce them if they don’t really know each other. Like, hey, this is Claudia and…
Mickey Mellen (06:11)
Hmm.
Claudia Solares (06:17)
I don’t know, she’s been working in marketing or whatever, however you want to introduce people. I’m like, so while we’re waiting for other people, I would just love to talk about, I don’t know, or even not giving the cards, but asking the question, if you could like share your thoughts on this question. Because I think that there’s a beauty in small talk, but small talk can only get you so far. so having intentionality, and I don’t know what’s really the purpose of like, other than just getting creatives together today, but if you wanted to be a,
Mickey Mellen (06:38)
You
Claudia Solares (06:47)
ever played golf? Like it could be something not professional related or do you have any experiences and it should be like a question that has more than a yes or a no.
Mickey Mellen (06:56)
Yes,
yeah, have you ever played golf is not a great one because people would say yes or no, but yeah Yeah, but I see what you’re saying. I love that. So another area I liked in the book talked about contained spaces and this is something you’ve been to the meetup I love our meetup space because it holds 22 people and that’s basically it. It feels like a very intimate group I remember back when I worked at a church 20 years ago We had a gathering for students on Wednesday nights in the gym and even if they get 75 or 80 kids it felt like it wasn’t very many in that giant space and so we try to do things to
Claudia Solares (06:59)
Yeah. ⁓
Mickey Mellen (07:24)
to close the basketball court off halfway with big curtains and try to make it feel more intimate. know, because even if it felt like you had a great turnout, I feel like, man, this place is empty. There’s no one here. Even though it’s 80 kids, it was a great turnout. And so it talks about that book a lot, in the book a lot about that, how to do things. It even mentions, we’ve not done this, so the place we have the meetup, they call the fish bowl in our coworking space, it’s got big windows around the side. And it says in the book specifically, ⁓ temporarily covering the glass walls of a fish bowl conference room with flip chart paper to create a modicum of privacy.
So I wonder if there’s things like that where, you could we make that room even more intimate or I think in that case it’s probably okay because three sides are already brick, you know, it’s not a big deal but the fact that they said the word fishbowl made that stand out but what other things like do you things with a tea party? So I imagine with the women there, it could kind of spread around the house if you’re not careful to keep things confined. How do you handle that with those?
Claudia Solares (08:00)
Yeah.
Well, my house has this beautiful setting that I think it was just a gift, honestly, because my husband and I both love hosting. So our main area, like the kitchen, the living room, everything is connected. So it’s like this huge space and we have a sunroom that is a screened porch area. And so we have like this different areas and I have like maybe.
around 10 women. for my tea parties it doesn’t feel overwhelming and I also like that in her book Priya talks about even transitioning to different rooms so people remember things differently. Like I do this activity is gonna be in the living room and then we’re gonna move to the dining table and then this is gonna happen in this place. So kind of having little activities like I’m thinking about why you said in that big gym that there could even be like some
Mickey Mellen (08:44)
yeah, I forgot about that.
Claudia Solares (09:02)
sort of like a cocktail area tables where your kids could like do something different but what I’ve seen as well at a church that was in an internship and is that before the service started they covered some of the chairs with a black cloth
Mickey Mellen (09:17)
Hmm.
Claudia Solares (09:18)
So we would give like the sense of it just the first couple of rows being the ones available. And as the church kept getting full, they would uncover the rows of the chairs. And so it really gave the sense of like, ⁓ like, because if you saw all of these chairs empty, you’ll be like, where is everybody? But because they were covered. So it’s just kind of like finding ways to make the space look a little smaller. Yeah.
Mickey Mellen (09:29)
interesting. Okay.
Gotcha, I love
that. Yeah, something similar. I have a group at the Cobb Chamber we meet once a month. It’s a group of like 15 of us. And the conference room we’re in is awesome, but it seats like 30 people at the table. And so most of people come and just kind of spread out across the table and we’re all disjointed. So I started getting there early because I’m one of the leaders of the group and pushing 15 of the chairs just into the corner and putting the other 15 at one end of the table to kind of force us all to sit together. And there’s a few that still kind of want to drift back and they realize they can’t, they got to sit with us. And it’s a little unnerving, I think, for them at first, but it works out great because we’re all.
We’re all right there together. yeah, and I think I got that idea from this book, know, they talk about contained space. I’m like, we should do that. So yeah.
Claudia Solares (10:18)
Yeah, and there’s this quote that says people are affected by their environment and you should host your gathering in a place and context that serves your purpose. So it’s not just about the size, but also about how the place that you choose connects with the goal that you have for your gathering. So I love that.
Mickey Mellen (10:35)
Got it. So tell me more about that. Like, because I pretty much find places that hold the right amount of people is my main goal. So what are other things I could look at to help with that purpose?
Claudia Solares (10:44)
think if you want something more intimate, some of the things that she said is that if you want to put like the lights a little dim or like candles or like it even doesn’t have to be the place but how you make it look like it could be you can put little plants just make it a little more cozy per se or like if you are hosting maybe a small group where you want people to be vulnerable you wouldn’t necessarily do it at a corporate
Mickey Mellen (10:52)
Okay.
Gotcha.
Claudia Solares (11:12)
working place. So it kind of like the place that you choose matters and sometimes we tend to just to go ⁓ like you said this is the the size that I need and it’s fine it’s okay but if we want to take it one step further we need to make sure that it connects and aligns with what we’re looking for.
Mickey Mellen (11:13)
Gotcha, okay, yeah.
Gotcha, I like that. So I was recently reading another book called Smart Brevity about just being more concise with your words and stuff. And it said something in the book that directly contradicted something in this book. So I’m curious your take on that. So this book talks about, more about logistics of course in the art of gathering and not ending on logistics either. of end on a high note and know, end it. And so the quote in the book says, years later the husband said to me, I now never end anything on logistics. I don’t even have a thank you slide in my presentations. I’m like, all right, that’s pretty cool. But then the Smart Brevity, said,
And always when you give a presentation, said, say thank you. Always end everything on a gracious, grateful note. It’ll make people want to cheer for you. it’s, so I already said, always say thank you at the end. And this is saying, don’t say thank you. Just let it hang with the high note. And I’m not, I’m not sure which way to go with that. Cause both books were fantastic. So yeah, what are your thoughts there?
Claudia Solares (12:06)
⁓
Yeah, I also had a hard time with that one actually now that you mentioned it because it kind of almost feels like something’s missing if you don’t say thank you because you want to thank everyone for being there. I think what I’ve tried to do with my gatherings is not just ended up with a thank you but adding something else. So like she was saying how to the closings are important and so instead of just saying okay the gathering is over like you’re all free to go back to your homes because it feels kind of like…
Mickey Mellen (12:35)
Mm-hmm.
Claudia Solares (12:43)
I like to do a little bit of she says of kind of like checking in. And I understand that this could be a little harder where it comes to like a bigger, I don’t know, 50 people. how do you even do that? But with a smaller group, you could be like, Hey, so can you share, anyone wants to share what are they taking away from this meeting? And they start sharing like, like, this is what touched my heart, the story, the craft, whatever we did that day. And so ⁓ I just ended up with like a little slogan, really something very cheesy.
that I don’t have at the top of my head right now, but I kind of like, I hope that this stays in your heart as a hot cup of tea or something like that. And so I just finished that and that’s my last line. Like I thanked them and then that’s my last line. So I think that the thank you to me is still important. It’s just a matter how you address it.
Mickey Mellen (13:20)
Okay, nice.
Gotcha, I like that. So for what you’re saying for like events, I think that makes more sense. I’m thinking more specifically for presentations, because I feel like the thank you slide in a presentation is just kind of a cheap way to say the end. Like, because you leave on like a big high note and people won’t like, is he gonna say more? Is this it? Like it leaves people confused, but you say, if you say this big high note and thank you so much, the thank you lets them know like, oh, he’s finished versus letting it hang out. So I almost feel like it’s needed or.
Claudia Solares (13:39)
I see.
Hmm.
Yeah,
yeah.
Mickey Mellen (13:59)
But is there a different
way other than thank you? Because thank you is kind of cheesy, again, you’re saying the end is really what you’re saying, but you don’t want say that either. So is there something else you could say there? Yeah.
Claudia Solares (14:04)
Yeah, it is kind of simple. We’re humans
that can be so creative. I’m thinking about the burnout that we went to that she could have finished her presentation with something funny around being burned out. Like, I hope that you don’t you come out of your burnout. ⁓ let’s stop with burnout or something. don’t know. But yeah, like just thank you sometimes could feel kind of flat. But at the same time, sometimes it could be appropriate depending on the circumstance.
Mickey Mellen (14:23)
Right.
Correct. Yeah.
Yeah,
gotcha. So I’ve shared a bunch here. What else do you have notes for that you want to share from the book? I’m sure you have more here.
Claudia Solares (14:35)
Yeah, yeah, let me see.
Yeah, oh, this is one of my favorite ones. Keep your best self out of my gathering.
That’s one of the chapters and it talks about how mostly when it comes to professional environments, I’m thinking about your meetup. I was connected with some people there and I was just thinking how funny it would be if we were actually genuine and honest about what we’re going through. Because you know how we just say, hi, how are you? And we are reminded to say, good, how are you? Good. What if you’d asked me how are you? And I’m like, you know what? I woke up with a sore throat. My dog was doing, I don’t know, actually telling you.
Mickey Mellen (15:02)
Great! Yeah! Yeah.
Right.
Claudia Solares (15:14)
They’re like, I don’t really actually want to know what’s happening in your life. ⁓
So it’s interesting because she talks a lot about how even in professional environments, she really encourages people to kind of leave the roles outside. And she does this exercise that the rule is you can’t tell people, where do you work? You cannot make small talk with that. Like you could even try it in one of your meetups. Like today’s rule is like, you cannot say, where do you work? And just kind of like take them out of their comfort zone. with the beauty about this chapter about keeping your best
Mickey Mellen (15:35)
I love that, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Claudia Solares (15:49)
self out of my gallery. We are always wanting to show our successes, where do we work.
And ⁓ that’s not really how humans connect. We connect on vulnerability, we connect on what’s hard, if there’s like ⁓ a hard problem that we’re trying to solve and ⁓ maybe in my company, like I’m struggling with how to get more revenue or handling some debt. I don’t know, so many things that could be going wrong.
And as we connect with those struggles with other people, it just helps us grow as people. And I also love that she says that you need to show them how. So that’s what I try to do with my tea parties. If I am like, OK, I want them to be vulnerable. So in order to do that, I need to be vulnerable as well. So if we’re to talk about this upcoming tea party, we’re going to talk about places that.
Mickey Mellen (16:34)
Mm-hmm.
Claudia Solares (16:40)
our favorite places and my favorite place was Ireland for my honeymoon and my story that I’m gonna share is that I got ⁓ Bitten by a spider in my eye and I had to find a doctor So it was kind of like a rough start and so that kind of like also eases people down I’m like, ⁓ I’m not telling you about this beautiful scenery that I saw in Ireland. I’m telling you about like I was sad I was frustrated. I was like, this is not how my honeymoon is supposed to start So yes being vulnerable opens the doors for people
Mickey Mellen (16:50)
gosh.
Right, yeah.
Claudia Solares (17:10)
to be vulnerable as well.
Mickey Mellen (17:11)
Gotcha. Yeah, very good point. I love that one. So if this has been fantastic, it’s a great book. encourage anyone that hasn’t read it yet. The art of gathering is great. I know at Green Mellon we’re trying to do more gatherings. Again, we have the events we’ve talked about here and we’re doing a conference. We just have a lot of different events we’re trying to put together and I was thinking I need to make these events better. I’m not an event guy. I’m very much a numbers guy. I know how to make a good event with good content, but how do you actually frame around it with all the things like this to actually make it matter? And yeah, this book has some great stuff. So again, the…
The intro quote I talked about, it talks about preparing things, you know, I’m good at preparing the food and all that kind of stuff and the topics, but yeah, actually having the, preparing the people for it is where I struggle and this book has been great and the insights you’ve shared both on here and in person have been very helpful as well. So if people want to hear more about you and track you down, where can they find you online?
Claudia Solares (17:59)
Well, I don’t have like a whole profile like you do like so professional, but if you want to follow me on Instagram, sometimes I share resources, so things that I read. So they could find me as Sol Klau Ten. So literally like Sol as my last name, Sol Klau Ten. Yeah.
Mickey Mellen (18:06)
Okay.
Gotcha. Yeah, I’ll put that in the
show notes, so people can track you down there. So cool. Thank you so much. This has been fantastic. Thank you.
Claudia Solares (18:18)
Thank you as well.
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